Why Narendra Modi Cannot be Prime Minister
It would be an understatement to say that the name of the Gujarat chief minister, Narendra Modi, stokes deep passions among Indians, those living in foreign lands and those on their native soil alike. If one is inclined to support the “Lion of Gujarat,” Modi’s governance record in his state and clean image will come to mind; if one is not disposed kindly to him, his role in the riots that ensued after the Godhra massacre will come to mind, as well his past in the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh and whatever connotations that may hold.
Whatever the truth of the post-Godhra massacre riots of 2002, recent revelations have suggested another reason for the total disqualification of Modi as a prime ministerial candidate – his immediate role in the assassination of US president, Abraham Lincoln. Thankfully for Modi, this is a criminal charge and collecting evidence for such heinous crimes is a daunting and time-consuming venture – even if the usual stalwarts of justice such as Teesta Setalvad, Shabnam Hashmi, Javed Anand, and Mukul Roy can be counted on to bloviate and condemn him before the public, swaying courts might prove to be a tougher challenge.
Sources close to the man himself approached CRI editors with this startling news about a month ago. “You know Modi ji is a firm believer in Indic customs and rituals,” said Abdul Gafoor. “He had been learning about the scriptures from gurus for years. About ten years ago, we noticed that something had changed in him – he was working feverishly with a team of scholars, sometimes through the night. We’d sometimes hear chanting of mantras through the closed doors and windows,” explained Gafoor, “but we did not know what they were, or sometimes even the language they were in.”
It was only recently upon the passing of his father that another aide CRI spoke to, David Cohen, realized what the chants were. “When my dad died, we found a diary of sorts among his possessions,” said Cohen. “He was apparently one of Modi ji’s most trusted men but they never appeared so in public for fear of plotting within the party.”
Documents sealed to the public but shown to CRI editors confirms Cohen’s story. The diary also revealed that the secret gathering was not merely scholars of Hinduism but also various other faiths. A senior contact in the Gujarat government who wished not to be named affirmed, “I do not mean to make Modi ji sound secular because I know that is considered impolite in the erm…charmed circles, but the fact is that his group scoured many scriptural accounts of time travel.”
The concept of time travel is perhaps as old as the feeling of regret and has found mention in religious tomes throughout the world. In Hinduism, the oldest known example is of King Kakudmi who went to see Lord Brahma and returned 27 chaturyugas later without having aged a day. Such narratives abound in other cultures and belief systems too – Honi Ha-Ma’agel, Herla (De Nugis Curialium), Urashima Tarō, Immram Brain (maic Febail), and Oisín – to name a few.
“Basically, Modi ji wanted to know why the coefficient of time dilation cannot be negative if it has proven to be positive in so many accounts. My father and his team apparently pored over ancient manuscripts and worked on this problem for many years,” revealed Cohen. A reliable source who had worked more closely with Modi’s cabal added, “obviously, Modi ji discounted Huggins’ Displacement Theory and trusted Seth Lloyd’s corollary to the Novikov-Thorne self-consistency principle. The ancients would have probably already figured it out in their calculations.”
The CRI editorial team took this astounding information to one of Chief Minister Modi’s most trusted deputies for confirmation. After all, who’d believe such a fantastic tale? Imagine the surprise when Michael Fuller crumpled into his diwan, red in the face and every inch a defeated man after merely two or three probing questions. “Yes it’s true,” he sighed in resignation, “we wanted to go back and ensure that the Emancipation never happens, nor that buffoon rise to the presidency.”
Asked about the puzzling motive behind such a dastardly plot, especially since India has not been known to have the same troubled relationship with blacks as the United States did, Fuller replied that it was all about the 2014 elections.
“Don’t you realize that the 150th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation would fall right around elections, and the Indian media would without fail vacuously parrot CNN? How could we win an election when everyone was talking about blacks and minority rights in the background? Someone might even have the thought that if blacks could be free, why not Muslims?”
Assured that this was all the effect of too much bhang after Holi, the deputy…CRI’s source…was reminded that the Emancipation Proclamation in fact came into effect in 1863, not 1864 as he claimed. “Abbe karo loro, pikina, the mission was not a complete success – although we moved the anniversary from the election year, ideally we’d rather it had never happened.”
The whole story still made little sense – why would anyone try to eliminate a sitting president? Would it not have been easier to assassinate Lincoln, say, in 1845?
Between the secret documents and anonymous sources close to Modi, it appears that the initial goal had indeed been to go back to a period earlier in Lincoln’s life to eliminate the man. Unfortunately, Modi’s Gujarati accent skewed the time travel chant and his team arrived at a much later date. Worse, one of the team was not only compromised but captured too – the man whom history knows as John Wilkes Booth was in fact Jainesh Vilas Bhoothnath, from Pasvadal.
If this story is indeed true and can be proven beyond doubt before a judge, it could have grave consequences upon the country. Immediately, it would shame the nation into removing a sitting prime minister on charges of murder and conspiracy; it would damage India’s relations with the rest of the world once it became known that the country did not shy away from assassinating foreign leaders; even worse, India could find itself on the list of state sponsors of terrorism of both the US and the EU, severely damaging trade, technology transfers, security arrangements, and other ties. Given these risks, there is simply no way any patriotic Indian could possibly vote for Modi for the prime minister’s post in the upcoming elections.
* All names have been changed for the security and privacy of our sources.